Ok so I’m going to do this thing a little like Kanye’s The Life of Pablo in that I’m writing this post as I go through this very odd experience – doing diary entries each day and adding to them. Of course, I’m only uploading this once it’s done, because I’m not a controversial rap artist on Tidal and I’m not $53million in debt (I’m close but…) so just know the principle and the intent was there. Shall we begin? This is all about the time I went on a health retreat and didn’t hate it.
My Health Retreat Diary
Sunday 23rd October 2016 – Travel Day
Following a 2 hour flight in which I watched the Dead Poets Society (muthaf-ckin’ classic) and a 2 hour car journey my mum conveniently forgot to tell me about, I have awoken to remorse about saying yes to going on this trip. Oh, I should probably add my mum invited me on this trip (she’s very health-conscious and a bit of a hypochondriac) after my dad had kindly declined (I should have taken this hint). Anyway, I’m in a tiny village in Austria, that I struggle to pronounce (Igls) and since I haven’t yet seen the Doctor, I have been ‘treated’ to some extra cheese at dinner…
Monday 24th October – Diagnosis
Note: I’m the youngest person here by about 15 years.
So, today started with a trip to see the Doctor for my initial consultation – nothing is physically wrong with me (win), and I managed to hide my psychological problems (jokes). Basically, he’s very nice and I’ve been put on diet level 4 – 50g of protein at breakfast and dinner plus a hot meal at lunch and a soup at dinner. The doctor also recommended that I have three personal training sessions whist I’m here for the week (subtle hint, thanks Doc), 5 massages and a body wrap – this, I am very happy with.
I have come to realise that my back is harbouring a large family of knots following my massage. My full body exfoliation was interesting… there I was in my disposable underwear (questionable), face down on a water bed (amazing) whilst two women rigorously scrubbed the life out of my limp body. I’ve never felt so soft in my whole life. Transcendent, truly. Also, personal training wasn’t the worst…apparently I’m very strong (I bet he says this to all the girls).
Decided to adventure into the textile sauna (there’s a naked one, no thank you) and swim. Yes, me, I swam a little bit. The pool is very cute and I did use a floatation noodle, because no one else was there and like, why not…
Tuesday 25th October – I cheated.
Today began with an abdominal exam, in which my super nice doctor sort of slapped my stomach around and had a chat with me. Not sure what the feedback was…I’m assuming I’m fine. Foot massage – enjoyable.
After my personal training session…I ate shortbread biscuits, under my mum’s influence. I felt ashamed but goddamn it those buttery, creamy, crumbly triangles were worth it. I’m on day 2 and I have cheated…I am a failure.
I sat in the library hoping to write this but got talking to this cool old guy about pretty much his whole life – I loved it. I was thinking about the tiny ball of goats cheese I’d had for dinner the whole time…and contemplating manipulating my Dr into upping my protein amount to a solid 100g…
Wednesday 26th October – The mummification.
I slept through breakfast, and up just in time for my massage. For lunch….there was steak, and my little carnivorous heart was racing. I savoured every bit. Glorious. I also had a body wrap, which involved me standing naked with a waif of ‘material’ covering my dignity, sprayed with algae and sea salt, then slathered in a body lotion, then covered in some Dead Sea mud. Following this I was wrapped in cling film, to the point where I could no longer move, covered in warm towels and there I was laying immobile for 50 minutes whilst the minerals went to work.
Thursday 27th October – May Eat My Own Arm
It’s gotten hard. Last night I could have cut a bitch for a McDonald’s happy meal…I’m not joking, the hunger was that bad. Today, it’s not that much better, I’m dreaming of every kind of greasy, glorious food I will try my hardest (but inevitably fail) not to maul when I leave here. Today was super chill. I had a facial and every blackhead was removed from my face. I’ve decided the tomato soup is my fave so I’ve requested it for every lunch and dinner until we leave. I went to the gym for 20 minutes out of my own choice…there was a trampoline…I bounced.
Friday 28th October – The Great Escape
Met with my Dr about my progress over the 5 days and I’ve lost 1.5kg which is pretty cool. Everything else is good too apparently. Had my last massage – leg massage, who doesn’t love the back of their thighs and butt being rubbed? Mum and I went for a walk to the park which was cute and we took my OOTD pics ( thanks mum)…then we planned our great escape. I have been craving steak, so we scoped out all the local restaurants and settled on one which we would visit after dinner. We went and I satisfied my steak craving and I can’t remember the last time I was so excited for a goddamn meal.
I’ll summarise the weekend – we escaped into the nearest town (Innsbrook) which was actually pretty…pretty and I gorged myself on roasted chestnuts (personal fave) and…a McDonald’s happy meal. I didn’t regret one second of it. Look, I actually had the most chilled time ever, I loved it. The food part oddly got harder as I went on but I was glad I did it. Everyone should really go on a heath retreat every year, like… for real. How First World of me.
I stayed at the Parkhotel Igls, in case you care and want to check it out.
Be So Versailles.