Here we go, I’m finally saying it: I’ve wanted to be a male rapper for like forever. No, this isn’t my coming out as trans post. Remember what it was like when you were younger and you looked up to someone? Whenever you’d see them, even if through a screen, your eyes would widen and glisten in adoration, down to the sheer need inside you to be like that person.
When I was younger I would look up to female celebrities and want to look like them so badly, or dress like them or dance like them (thank you Britney’s dance beat). I even wanted to be like them for a while, until I really started getting interested in rap and hip hop. I saw the guys in these videos, crouched forward
, draped in a chinchilla coat, chains swinging around their necks, counting stacks of money. Girls and guys vying for their attention and that, that’s exactly what I wanted and still want to be like.
Ok so it’s not all about wanting to be draped in fur and girls twerking left, right and centre. I loved the arrogance of it. I loved how blasé they were surrounded by $100 bills (I would later grow up to find out it’s prop money but the premise still lies), making it rain. I loved the confidence behind it, the bravado, the intimidation almost. And that’s how I wanted to be. I didn’t really connect too much with female rappers when I was younger – I loved Lil Kim but not as much as I did 50 cent, or Eminem or Lil Wayne. I’ve always had this thing with lacking confidence or not quite believing in myself, but rap gives me confidence, in the weirdest way. Half the time it’s not even about being pumped up from the lyrics, it’s the beat, the flow, the confidence heard in the rapper’s voice which kind of transmits through my headphones into my mind and rubs off on me.
Sometimes it’s not about what you hear, it’s about how what you hear makes you feel.